Friend Concerned for Overworked Grandma

Although my friend is pretty active and we enjoy outings ourselves, we are often not able to do the things we want to do because she gets scheduled to provide childcare. She loves to spend time with her grandchildren but overnight and weekend visits with two very young kids are very physically demanding and exhausting for her. Because of a prior serious injury to her shoulder, lifting and carrying her grandkids is also very difficult and stressful for her. She seems to be unable to say no to this level and frequency of childcare and is afraid she might end up not being able to see her grandkids at all.

I think her son and daughter-in-law are more interested in having fun than taking responsibility for the care of their children. They seem to me to frequently take advantage of her. I don’t think they consider their impact on my friend’s abilities and limitations or her desire to do other things that she enjoys. I try to keep my opinions to myself with difficulty. Do you have suggestions on how to limit her son’s frequent requests for extended childcare help?

– Concerned for Overworked Grandma

Dear Concerned:

Loathe as I am to offer secondhand advice to those who haven’t asked for it, if she wants to make some changes there are some options. She may want to start setting limits on how and how long she provides childcare. Maybe overnights need to be phased out, or she might need to decline more. She can talk with her son and daughter-in-law about her desire to remain an active part of their lives while recognizing the ways her capacity is changing. You can offer these as suggestions to her, but this has to be her doing and her decision.

I wonder if some of the frustration you’re feeling on her behalf is more solidly rooted in not getting all that you want from this friendship. That’s fine to feel, but you’d be doing her and yourself a disservice by presenting her with another problem to solve, rather than supporting her as she works through this.

As her best friend, it’s possible that you know her son and daughter-in-law and their kids. If that’s the case, you might offer to help her with childcare. This is obviously dependent on the parents’ comfort level and should be discussed. But, if it works for everyone involved, you may be able to lighten your friend’s load while also getting the quality time with her you both want.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

For more like this advice on an overworked grandma, check out the Boomer Advice for Life department and more wisdom in Seniors Guide like family care conflicts, retirement cold feet, and expectations of grieving friends.