Confused Son Feels Rejected by His Elderly Parents

I’m usually the one who initiates us getting together for lunch somewhere near them. My stepmother’s children live close by and stop by their house often. Recently, I invited them twice to come to our home when our kids and grandkids were here and both times they declined stating, “We have too much going on.”

If one of them has an appointment, then the day before and after is off limits for a visit. We missed getting together with them during the holidays because we were out of town. However, when we returned, I mentioned getting together three times and my dad responded that he didn’t know his schedule and would get back to me.

I’m really confused and hurt about what has happened. On the phone he’s very friendly and acts like nothing is wrong. My stepmother tells my wife that she loves her at the end of every call. We haven’t seen each other in six months. I’ve stopped asking him about getting together because it obviously isn’t important to him anymore.

– Confused Son

Dear Son:

Your father and stepmother may have less capacity for making and following through on plans than they once did. Even though they’re in good health, the rhythms of their lives continue to change. Try to set aside your emotions by thinking of this as a logistical challenge, rather than an intentional slight.

They’ve communicated part of this by setting the boundary around appointment days, for instance. It may just take a lot out of them. So, it’s not a case of them choosing their appointments over you, but rather them negotiating the new realities of their lives.

Take the evidence of their love at face value.

You can make this easier on them and on yourselves by adjusting your expectations. Take the example of your stepmother’s children. Though it’s more convenient for them to stop by because they live closer, it’s also probably more helpful for your father and stepmother to have a more flexible visiting cadence that doesn’t require as much planning.

You may need to literally and figuratively start going the extra mile to make sure your father and stepmother are getting what they (and you) need. Test it out with a casual trip. “I’ll be in the area today in about a half an hour. Mind if I swing by?” But also listen to the response and be prepared to keep adjusting until it feels right all around. Maybe they need less notice, maybe more. Grant them some grace here and remember that the goal here is meeting the ones you love where they are.

Firsthand insights after a son feels rejected by his elderly parents

Dear Eric: 

The question from “Confused Son” about his 80-something dad and stepmom’s new hesitation to accepting invitations touched my heart.

When I was in my 40s and 50s, my husband and I were in full-time careers, raising three kids, visiting colleges, attending school and social events, etc. I was very frustrated when I would ask my retired parents over for dinner a week ahead of time and they’d hem and haw. “Well, I have the cardiologist on Monday, and dad has the dentist Friday. We’re playing golf Thursday. I don’t know if we can make it Saturday.”

I was also confused.

Now we are retired, in our 70s and generally healthy. Our calendar is pretty full, with our medical appointments, my husband’s part-time job, babysitting commitments, yoga class and lunches I have with my friends. When I look at the calendar and see a day with nothing written on it, it brings a sense of joy and peace. My husband and I laugh about how we used to get annoyed by my parents’ lack of availability. Your advice was spot-on.

– Happy to Do Nothing

Dear Happy: 

Thank you for your letter. I wanted to share it with the wider readership because it’s a great example of something that trips so many of us up sometimes: we don’t know what we don’t know. But it also serves as a reminder that empathy for others, even if we don’t understand where they’re coming from, can open the door to a new understanding. I say it every now and then, but it bears repeating – everyone is the star of their own show. We can’t always see the world from other people’s vantage points. But by being curious about what those around us are going through, and communicating with others, our world’s get bigger and our capacity for empathy grows.

Updated March 7, 2025, with response from Happy to Do Nothing

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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