Remembering the Positive Traits After Death

My mother was a difficult person. She was often not nice to my sister-in-law.

I admired my SIL for taking the high road and for being respectful toward my mother, and I told her so many times.

I bumped heads big time with my mother, too, but had a good last six years when she moved near me and dementia mellowed her out.

My mother died five years ago and my sister-in-law reminds me often of how awful she was (my brother has no fond memories of childhood, and lets his wife do the talking).

The last time my SIL brought this up, I stopped her and said that although her experiences are valid, this is my mother and she is dead now, and I find it offensive to keep hearing about it. I validated her feelings and told her again how much I admired her.

Initially she apologized, but afterward apparently decided that I was wrong. She is now quite angry with me, and said she prefers to work through this in therapy. After I tried to reach out, she says she doesn’t want to talk about it.

I care for her and I like her, my brother and their children, but I’m upset about this.

I feel like making me the bad guy here is gaslighting, just because I prefer remembering the positive. What do you think?

– Gaslit?

Dear Gaslit?: 

I think this only qualifies as gaslighting if you actually believe that you’re the “bad guy.” You don’t believe this, because you aren’t.

The only thing I think you might have done differently would be if you had altered your own wording when responding.

Instead of saying that your sister-in-law’s remarks about your mother were “offensive,” you might have said how this made you feel: i.e. “Now that mom is gone, I feel so sad continuing to hear about how awful she was to you.”

I believe that speaking the truth about abuse or toxic behavior of family members (even after they have died) is valid and can be helpful – even if it brings up painful feelings. Doing so can help people resolve the sometimes impossible duality of being the child of an abusive person.

Your mother treated people badly. And yet, she was still your mother. 

For your sister-in-law, talking this through in therapy (instead of with you) is exactly what she should be doing. A skilled therapist will help her to figure out who the “bad guy” is and should lead her not to punish you for your mother’s sins.

You have been extremely kind and gracious to her in the past, and I hope you will continue. You also have every right to hold your own good memories of your mother and to focus on remembering the positive traits; it sounds like you are lucky to have them.

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from remembering the positive traits of deceased loved ones to marital infidelity and a distant grandpa. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.