Should a Lonely Mom Express Her Feelings?

One lives too far away to see more than twice a year. The other lives close enough for me to have dinner with once a week. I try not to be needy and give them space, but I’m lonely and I’m sad they don’t call me more often.

I think they’re just living their lives and not thinking about me, which I probably did to my parents when I was their age. Am I expecting too much?

I tend to take it personally and think they don’t like me, which seems absurd. When I do talk to them, there’s no conflicts or problems that would discourage them from reaching out again.

Would I be wrong to tell them I’m lonely and would like to hear from them more often? For the record, I am trying to expand my social circle and do things I’m interested in, but I’m growing tired of doing things alone and it takes a long time to make new close friends. I also can’t help but think if I’d had a girl, it would be different.

– Lonely Mom

Dear Mom:

Please tell your sons how you feel! Healthy communication can be such a gift. Please tell them what they can do to help you. That’s a gift, too.

They may have busy lives, but you’re a part of those lives as well.

Sometimes, in relationships, it’s hard to carry the burden of advocating for ourselves. But I believe that your sons would be saddened to find out that you had this ache and didn’t ask for help.

Try setting up a regular phone date with each of them, it will give you all something to look forward to. Plus, knowing that you’ll be chatting – and wanting to have something to chat about – might also give you an extra boost in your effort to find things that interest you.

Reader responses to Lonely Mom

Dear Eric:

The letter from the 65-year-old widow (Lonely Mom) brought back memories of my own mother. One year, I asked Mom what gift she wanted for Christmas or her birthday or Mother’s Day, and she replied with what she wanted most: a regular weekly lunch with me and a monthly dinner with my family. That began a tradition of weekly lunches that I treasure to this day, even though at times it was hard to do.

The point for your letter writer and readers is both for parents to request what they want, and for their adult children to try scheduling a weekly contact, whether in person or by phone/Zoom, etc. It’s the best investment of time I ever made, and I’m glad Mom asked for what she needed. What I wouldn’t give to have just one more lunch with Mom. She passed in 2018.

Finally, one of my own young adult children makes it a point to call my husband or myself when walking between classes or driving, just to keep in touch and even if just for a couple of minutes. We really appreciate that, and I think it is fairly easy for her to do.

– Grateful Mom and Daughter

Dear Grateful:

This is wise advice. I agree wholeheartedly. Thanks for sharing your lovely memories.

Dear Eric: As a 60-year-old mom of two sons in their late 20s, Lonely Mom’s sons are NOT responsible for mitigating her loneliness. Yes, she should ask them to call more often but what she really needs is close community groups, so she can find things to do. Find a coffee group, a card playing group, Community Ed has tons of exercise/movement classes, our library has weekly chess classes and “crafternoon” craft classes.

I realize this can be a daunting ask if she’s very introverted and doesn’t want to work too hard to find those connections (or has limited funds or mobility issues), but I feel her sons will only be a small piece of what I think she wants.

– Find Your Own Fun

Dear Fun:

Many respondents shared a similar sentiment. And I agree and appreciate the perspective. But, as Grateful shared above, there’s a difference between making your happiness someone else’s responsibility and telling your loved ones how you feel. Lonely Mom – and we all – can do both.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

Find more words of wisdom, like lonely moms, house rules for visiting grandkids, senior plans, and more, in the Boomer Advice for Life department. https://www.boomermagazine.com/family/advice-for-life/