Granddaughter’s Recovery from an Eating Disorder

She has been at a special care facility for the past two months and will be returning home within a couple of weeks.

Of course, this is a very emotional and difficult time for her parents, and the whole family.

My question is about how best to support my granddaughter’s recovery: What do I say to this child? How should I behave with her?  Should I talk to her about her sickness? People tell me to just be myself, but this myself wants to hug her for a long time.

At this point in time, she doesn’t allow hugging or touching.

Is there a support group for grandparents I could access? My whole being hurts so much when I think of the suffering my daughter, son-in-law and her 14-year-old sister are going through! I truly want to be the grandma who has always supported and loved her.

– Hurting Grandma

Dear Grandma: 

The fact that you are asking this question reveals how important a role you could play in your granddaughter’s recovery – just by being yourself. But “being yourself” in this context may feel somewhat surreal.

Keep in mind that returning from an in-patient program marks a stage in recovery, but is not the end of recovery. Your granddaughter’s recovery is a process that could take a very long time.

It is common for people returning from treatment to feel awkward, “on stage,” and the unwanted focus of the entire family’s attention. I think this is especially challenging for teenagers. The recovering person does not want to be visually scrutinized, touched, hugged, or put at the center of the family’s conversation.

You should not discuss her illness, her eating, or even “how healthy she looks.”

You should simply tell her that it is great to see her.

Let her fade to the fringes of family gatherings (if she wants) until she feels more comfortable being home. Interact with her parents and sister, recount a favorite funny story about your daughter (her mom) from childhood, talk about what you’re reading, watching, or who you ran into at the farmer’s market. Confess your secret crush on Sam Elliott.

And – if you find yourself babbling, laugh about it and then settle down.

All of you just have to get through this initial phase.

Eating disorders are family diseases. I heartily support your instinct to seek support. The facility where your granddaughter has received treatment should offer support groups for family members.

The National Alliance for Eating Disorders (Allianceforeatingdisorders.com) also offers a well-regarded virtual support group for family members and caregivers.

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from supporting a granddaughter’s recovery to family estrangement and dividing caregiving duties. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.