After their elderly mother had a stroke, the siblings are experiencing a family care conflict over whether she should be in assisted living. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
My mom is almost 92 and is recovering from a stroke. She no longer drives; her poor motor skills don’t allow her to cook or handle hot items on a stove, nor shower or bathe herself.
My siblings and I agree that Mom needs to be in assisted living with nursing care, but one sibling insisted on looking after Mom herself. But she now realizes that it has become burdensome, and she can’t have her own life, see her friends or look after her own home.
Because I am retired, Sister thinks she can just snap her fingers, and I arrive to relieve her for a month or more at a time. I have no problem visiting mom, but her level of care is something I am not comfortable with.
Every time the topic of assisted living comes up, Sister has a different reason why she is against it. First, it was because assisted living facilities are “not nice places and hire sub-par people.” Then it was that assisted living is OK, but she doesn’t want to do it against mom’s will. (Mom has told her she wants to go.)
Then Sister said she wants a place with graduated care so mom wouldn’t have to move when she gets worse. The list goes on. While the rest of us siblings are thankful Sister has stepped in to look after mom, we knew it would eventually come to this. We are all married with families and homes of our own, we live in other states, but Sister is single and thinks it’s no longer her turn. Yes, she should be able to go on a vacation, go check on her house and have her life back. She could do all of that if she would just concede to mom going into assisted living. Mom has the funds to provide for her care. But Sister just thinks she can just do it better.
Thoughts on how to settle this?
– Family Care Conflict
Dear Care:
I have sympathy for your sister – it’s clear she’s having trouble accepting what’s best for your mother right now. That struggle is preventing her from navigating this clearly. She may think that she (or you) can provide better care than an assisted-living facility with trained professionals, but that goes against your mother’s stated wishes for herself. And, with regard to some forms of care, that’s not true. Medical professionals are going to be better suited to support your mother and help her rehab from her stroke.
Your sister has some work to do internally, but the first priority is making sure that your mother’s desires are heard and honored. You, your siblings, and your mother should have a meeting where your mother is able to, again, confirm that she wants to move to an assisted-living facility. Reinforce to your siblings that the goal is to honor your mother’s wishes, not to debate. This is a planning meeting and discussion can come later, if at all.
One of the siblings – perhaps you, but not the sister who is currently caregiving – should take the lead on finding a facility that meets your mothers wants and needs, then getting her set up and acclimated. Your sister can have input, but she doesn’t get the final say.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
More like theis family care conflict: Check out the Boomer Advice for Life department and more wisdom in Seniors Guide like siblings undervaluing the cost of caregiving, an ill sister’s unrealistic expectations, and a brother guilty of estate theft.