Expectations of Friends in Grief

He became sick and I visited him as much as I could. After he died, I offered my help to his wife for arrangements with the funeral, since they didn’t have anything done. I didn’t hear any response.

We learned about the funeral through the internet. We sent flowers and cards; we never received any response. We called and left messages, the same way. We sent cards for masses, holidays and birthdays. No response.

We hear from other friends that she is fine. We don’t understand her behavior and we don’t know what else we can do. What is your advice?

– Perplexed Friend

Dear Perplexed:

I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. I know that his wife’s silence is making the loss even harder. The silence also makes it hard to figure out what’s happening on her side. A likely explanation is that her grief makes it hard to talk to you or compels her to withdraw or is simply making logistics a challenge. That’s hard to take but it’s not about who you are. Grief is complicated and often vicious; it takes us out of ourselves.

Unfortunately, there’s nothing more you can do to foster a connection. For now, it’s important to recognize her silence as a boundary and respect that. You’ve shown your support in many ways, but if it’s not what she wants or needs, the most supportive thing to do is to step back with love.

A reader weighs in to shed understanding on friends in grief

Dear Eric:

I saw myself in this Asking Eric column. “Perplexed Friend” was confused after he reached out to a friend who was in crisis, but did not get the response he desired, or any response.

When I was 45, I lost my husband of 18 years to cancer. It was painful and swift. I was paralyzed with grief even though I tried to put on a good face. Both friends and family reached out, sent flowers, gifts, cards and offered to pick up my dry cleaning. I did not respond. I literally could not function. That was nearly 30 years ago, and I am ashamed of myself. I wish I could go back and fix it. But I can’t. However, those acts of kindness were what sustained me through the awfulness our family was facing.

What I would say to “Perplexed Friend” is this: You reached out to comfort your friend because you care about her, not because you needed a thank-you note. You wanted to help her try to move on. And you did. That’s what your friend is trying to do. We all handle grief differently – and some of us do better than others.

– Wish I Could Go Back

Dear Wish:

Thank you for sharing your story and your support with the letter writer. If I may: a piece of unsolicited advice. Please try to forgive yourself and let go of the shame you’re feeling over the way you responded 30 years ago. As you write, we all handle grief differently. And I would amend your last sentence thusly: there is no right way to do it. You handled the unimaginable in a way that helped you get through each day. I feel confident that those who love you and care for you understood any non-response or have come to understand it through their own grief processes. You don’t have to do it over again; you did what you needed to do, and it was enough.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

Related: How to support a grieving parent

For more like these thoughts on friends in grief: Check out the Boomer Advice for Life department and more wisdom in Seniors Guide like connecting with shy grandkids, parental rejection, and the costs of caregiving.