Connecting with the Shy Grandchild

I’m not sure how to help instill confidence and as a grandmother am always worried about overstepping my bounds. I’d appreciate any advice or direction.

– Wallflower’s Grandmother

Dear Grandmother:

This is a wonderful opportunity for you to start creating a special relationship with your granddaughter. It always helps when someone sees us for who we are and meets us there, particularly a loved one. So, your ability to notice your granddaughter’s shyness and recognize the chance to help her feel seen in a way that feels good for her is a gift.

Try making specific plans for her – maybe small activities for the two of you during visits, or even special outings. The goal isn’t to draw her out of her shell, but rather to see if you can be invited in.

Talk to her parents about the things that interest her and ways that you can help support her. Hopefully, they don’t hear this as a critique of their parenting or of their daughter, but rather a grandparent’s genuine desire to get to know her grandchild. Be mindful of how the conversations land, though, so there aren’t mixed messages or bruised feelings anywhere.

As a bookish child who was often more comfortable at the periphery of a room, I always appreciated the older relatives who would ask “Tell me about what you’re reading?” I didn’t always have much to say, but I always remember that they asked.

By showing your granddaughter that you respect her shyness, you’ll help to reaffirm her self-confidence and teach her that you’re an adult who values her, whether she steals the show or waits in the wings.

R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

For more like this loving suggestion for helping a shy grandchild: Check out the Boomer Advice for Life department and more wisdom in Seniors Guide like parental rejection, the costs of caregiving, and when cellphones cause arguments.