Aging In Place Frustrated Caregiver Speaks Up 7/3/2023 | By Amy Dickinson A frustrated caregiver is stressed out by the demands and criticisms of her 89-year-old mother but feels guilty for her feelings. See what Amy Dickinson advises in “Ask Amy.” Dear Amy: I’m halfway through a two-week visit with my 89-year-old mom, and my stress level is through the roof. On the one hand, I know that her life isn’t easy due to numerous health issues, including memory and vision loss – plus the death of my dad just over a year ago. On the other hand, and my siblings would all agree, she makes everything so much harder than it has to be, for herself and for everyone around her. The criticisms, complaints, put-downs, constant demands and need to control everything makes it so hard to find the patience and compassion I should have. It doesn’t take very long when trying to do anything with her before I’m stressed out and frustrated at the way she treats me and what I’m being put through while trying to help her. And I hate myself for it. I can hear the whine of an unhappy child in the grumbling of the adult I’m supposed to be, and by nightfall it’s not just one day’s worth of issues I’m trying to let go of, but decades of conflict, misunderstandings, and bad behavior on both our parts. She’s 89. She’s sick. She’s alone. She’s struggling to cope. She’s my mom. Why can’t I be more tolerant? – Intolerant, Frustrated Caregiver Dear Intolerant: The reason you can’t be more tolerant when providing care to your mother is because providing care for an ill and challenging parent is a huge and heartbreaking experience. This is one reason that qualified, experienced and reliable professional caregivers are worth their weight in gold. Caregivers outside the family are not triggered by a lifetime of memories of their client. They also go home at the end of their shift. Adult children caregivers remain emotionally engaged, even when they’re not physically present. I hope that you and your siblings can support one another through this time. Sharing, venting, and comparing notes will help you all to provide your mother with the compassionate care that she needs. You might also benefit from reading “The Conscious Caregiver: A Mindful Approach to Caring for Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself,” by Linda Abbit (2017, Adams Media). In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from a frustrated caregiver to grandparenting to DNA surprises. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. © 2022 by Amy Dickinson Click here to read more Ask Amy columns curated for a baby boomer audience. Read More Amy Dickinson