Being together at home – all day long – means seeing what your partner is up to. This happily married 75-year-old woman is resentful of her husband’s life of leisure. Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in.
Dear Eric:
I am a 75-year-old professional woman married to a great 74-year-old Ph.D. who works in Pharma and has no desire to retire. We have a very good marriage, but I am struggling with resentment and negativity due to hubby’s work situation. We both work from home. His workload has been nonexistent for three and a half months.
His boss keeps saying work is coming but it doesn’t. The company is not laying off anyone in his department. Hubby basically takes a walk in the morning and then comes home and naps for hours. Then he goes to the library to read the paper and then takes another nap. He will happily run any errands we need but will not spend time doing anything meaningful.
I have suggested volunteering, but he refuses. He has hobbies that he shows no interest in. He is in good health. We can’t travel because he needs to be near the computer and available in case the boss calls. It kills me that I am busy all day long and have to watch him nap fully clothed in bed, immersed in his life of leisure. I know I can only change myself, but I am really very unhappy.
Help!
– Office Mate
Dear Office Mate:
Sharing a work-from-home setup with one’s spouse can have its benefits – you tend to like your coworker, for instance. But it can turn sour when said coworker is napping around the office all day like he’s Garfield the cat.
A big difference between your husband and Garfield is that your husband wants to work (Garfield, famously a hater of Mondays, does not.) I suspect some of the malaise that’s fallen over him – the napping, the loss of interest in hobbies – reflects this unmet desire. While getting paid to do nothing might suit some, this shift is his workload could be bringing feelings of inadequacy, failure or even fear. He could be wondering if he’ll ever get to work again.
Many people express trepidation about transitioning to retired life – it’s a huge life shift that can knock you back on your heels even if you’re looking forward to it. It seems your husband is being shoved in that direction and so this transition is rocky. It could even be equally stressful to him to see you so busy when he’s decidedly not.
I know that it’s been a rough couple of months but consider that this is a relatively short amount of time in the span of a career. The napping won’t last forever, but your husband may need a helping hand out of this funk. See if you can talk with him directly about how he’s feeling. And, if possible, try working elsewhere for a day or two a week – a coffee shop, the library, a coworking space. This might give you both the space you need to navigate this period.
R. Eric Thomas (he/him) is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His accomplishments include “Eric Reads the News,” a daily humor column covering pop culture and politics, serving as the interim Prudie for the advice column “Dear Prudence,” and author of “Congratulations, The Best Is Over!” Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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