‘How to Talk to Your Parents About Money’

Take the story of Claire, for example. Claire grew up in a wealthy family, with every material need met and never a shortage of luxuries. But Claire’s mom, Ellen, brought a sense of deep anxiety about money to the family. Ellen had been through a painful divorce in her first marriage, which left her with almost nothing. After rebuilding her life and gaining back financial security, she carried an underlying fear of financial loss that lingered for years. This fear made her cautious about spending, even when the family had plenty. She would often say things like, “You never know when it could all disappear,” or “Better to save for when times get tough.” 

Unsurprisingly, Ellen’s relationship with money had a strong impact on Claire. Despite her comfortable upbringing, Claire grew up feeling guilty or fearful whenever she spent money. She saw every purchase as a potential risk and felt anxious about financial security, even though her circumstances were stable. Ellen’s experience of loss had become part of Claire’s inherited money script, creating a mindset where financial fear overruled her current reality. 

Claire’s story illustrates how powerful these inherited beliefs can be. Our money scripts are often a mixture of our own experiences and those of our parents or guardians. To approach family financial conversations effectively, it’s essential to recognize your own scripts and behavioral biases around money. By understanding these, you can enter discussions with a clearer sense of how your views may color your perceptions—and how they might differ from those of your parents. 

UNCOVERING YOUR MONEY SCRIPTS 

To help uncover your money scripts, here are five questions to prompt reflection on your relationship with money: 

• What is my earliest memory of money? 
• Does the thought of talking about or planning finances make me feel anxious or fearful? 
• Do I associate money with security, control, or status? 
• How did my parents or guardians handle money, and did I inherit their attitudes?
• When I think about my finances, do I focus more on scarcity or abundance? 

Reflect on each question, jotting down any memories, feelings, or thoughts that come up. Think about patterns in your answers and whether these attitudes stem from your upbringing, specific experiences, or cultural influences. Recognizing these scripts can reveal which money beliefs might be helping you—and which may be creating unnecessary anxiety or limitations. 

To explore these insights further, you may want to read Deborah L. Price’s “The Heart of Money,” which is aimed at couples but has a very good diagnostic that dives into money scripts and how they shape our lives. 

RECOGNIZING YOUR BEHAVIORAL BIASES 

In addition to inherited money scripts, our conversations about money are influenced by behavioral biases, which affect how we make financial decisions and perceive others’ decisions. These biases can lead us to make assumptions or jump to conclusions in financial discussions. Here are three common biases to be aware of: 

Confirmation Bias: This is the tendency to seek out information that confirms our pre-existing beliefs. If your money script leans toward frugality, for example, you might subconsciously expect others to share your view, interpreting any deviation from it as “wrong” or irresponsible. In a conversation, this bias can cause misunderstandings or conflict if you find yourself judging someone’s decisions based on your own assumptions. 

To navigate confirmation bias, start by acknowledging that your own beliefs and priorities may not always align with your parents’. Approach conversations with a genuine curiosity about their perspective. It’s also helpful to actively seek out information or perspectives that challenge your initial assumptions. This might involve discussing hypothetical scenarios with your parents to explore their priorities more deeply. By recognizing your bias and staying open to different viewpoints, you create space for more constructive and respectful conversations. 

Anchoring Bias: The tendency to rely too heavily on an initial piece of information or experience when making judgments about the future. When it comes to discussing finances with parents, anchoring bias can lead us to assume that the financial values, spending habits, or lifestyle they’ve held in the past will stay the same as they age. For example, if a parent was traditionally frugal or prioritized saving, it’s easy to assume they’ll continue doing so. However, as people grow older, their values and priorities often shift; they may choose to spend more on experiences, donate to causes they care about, or invest in their family’s future in ways they hadn’t considered before. 

To navigate anchoring bias, try approaching these conversations with an open mind, letting go of assumptions based on past behaviors. Instead, use questions that explore your parent’s current values and goals, inviting them to share any shifts in their outlook. For instance, you might say, “I know you’ve always valued saving, but I’d love to hear if there are any new priorities that are important to you now.” By consciously releasing past expectations, you create room for a more meaningful dialogue that respects your parents’ evolving perspectives and supports their current vision for the future. 

More from Seniors Guide like this guidance on how to talk to your parents about money: 

The Pros and Cons of Sharing a Bank Account With Your Aging Parents

Projection Bias: This is the tendency to assume that others think and prioritize the same way we do. This bias can make it hard to see another person’s motivations, especially in conversations about finances. 

When Matt took a closer look at his mom’s finances, he was surprised to see a significant portion going toward his niece Emma’s college tuition. His mom, recently retired and living on a fixed income, was contributing several thousand dollars a year to help cover Emma’s education. For Matt, who had always valued building a financial safety net, this seemed like a risky choice. He’d been taught to save as much as possible and prioritize long-term security, so he assumed his mom would see things the same way. 

When he finally brought it up, Matt was prepared to gently suggest that his mom reduce her contributions. “Mom,” he started, “I know you want to help with Emma’s tuition, but with your retirement income, it might make more sense to put that money toward your own expenses and savings. I’m sure Emma understands.” 

To his surprise, his mom didn’t immediately agree. Instead, she looked at him with a quiet conviction and explained why supporting her granddaughter’s education was so meaningful to her. Growing up, she hadn’t had the opportunity to attend college herself and knew firsthand the doors an education could open. For her, helping with Emma’s tuition wasn’t just about financial support—it was a way of giving her granddaughter opportunities she herself had missed. In her mind, this was one of the most meaningful legacies she could leave. 

Matt was taken aback. He’d been looking at her financial contributions through his own lens, projecting his “save first” mentality onto her without realizing that she valued something different. Where Matt prioritized financial security, his mom valued investing in family and helping her granddaughter avoid the same barriers she’d faced. 

In that moment, Matt recognized his projection bias. He’d assumed his mom shared his saving mentality simply because it made sense to him, and he hadn’t considered that her own experiences and values would lead her to different financial priorities. Realizing this, he softened his approach. Instead of focusing on his own concerns, he started asking his mom about her goals and how she felt about her current finances. Together, they explored ways to balance her desire to contribute to Emma’s education with her need for financial security in retirement. By acknowledging and adjusting for his projection bias, Matt found a way to respect his mom’s values while supporting her financial well-being. 

This experience was a powerful reminder for Matt: especially in financial conversations, our biases can blind us to the unique goals and motivations of others. Recognizing projection bias allows us to approach these discussions more openly, respecting others’ values rather than assuming they share our perspectives. 

Etinosa Agbonlahor is a behavioral economist with experience at leading financial institutions worldwide and a dedication to financial counseling for underserved communities. When she’s not exploring U.S. National Parks, you’ll find her immersed in a good book or expanding her knowledge of real estate on her podcast, Her First House. “How to Talk to Your Parents About Money,” a guide to navigating critical financial conversations, is now available.