Active Adult Communities Adult Cliques: A Persistent Problem 12/11/2024 | By Terri L. Jones The word “cliques” summon visions of our early school days, but adult cliques can be a problem, too. Why do they persist and what can we do? Recently, I joined a new gym, where most of the classes are frequented by women my age. I thought it a good opportunity to meet new friends; however, before every class, these women stand around in small circles, while I am left outside these circles feeling awkward and a bit humiliated. While I’ve tried to make small talk with a few of them (before they’ve had a chance to close ranks on me), not once has anyone tried to engage me. Now every time I go to one of these classes, I feel exactly like the new girl in middle school, eager to make friends but being rejected by the in-crowd instead! Cliques have no age restrictions After high school, college, and working in offices, I thought I was done with cliques. But these friend groups apparently exist throughout our lives – and not just for women, for men as well. Cliques even pop up in senior living communities. Take the 97-year-old woman who moved to a new community. When her granddaughter asked her if she had made any new friends, she sadly replied “no,” explaining that the other women in the community shut her out of everything, including bridge games and even meals. When her grandmother would start to sit down at an empty seat, the other women would always announce, “That seat is taken!” Sound familiar? Belonging begets bullying If cliques seem so juvenile and immature, why do they persist into our older age? The primary reason is that these tight-knit groups fulfill a need that extends way past childhood: the need to belong. Remember when Norm entered the bar on “Cheers” and everyone called out “Norm!”? Everyone wants to feel that sense of familiarity and kinship where people know their names. Cliques make us not only feel that important sense of belonging but also reassure us that we have people who will look out for us. But where these groups turn negative is in their exclusivity. Because a clique, a narrow and exclusive group, singles out some people as the chosen ones, it makes others feel unworthy of that rarified air. That rejection can take the form of bullying and mean behavior, or it can be more subtle. In either case, it can be painful and destructive at any age. What makes an older bully Ostracizing behavior later in life can be caused by a number of factors. Loss – whether it’s loss of independence, health, loved ones, or identity – can make seniors lash out at and potentially shun their peers. They may also bully one other because they’ve grown apathetic about how their words or actions affect those around them. Another reason people are not welcomed into social groups is a phenomenon called “othering,” where outsiders are perceived as not fitting in. When we’re young, these differences often revolve around looks, interests, and popularity. As adults, we can further separate ourselves based on religion, politics, and gender identity. As we get older, age as well as physical and cognitive abilities can alienate us. Related: Are angry senior adults an inevitable part of aging? Solutions to adult cliques While you may feel left out of one group, it may not be the right fit for you anyway. Or you may thrive more in one-on-one relationships rather than in groups, since personalities can get lost in a group setting. You can work at finding your own people by attending programs at your library or senior living community, taking classes, volunteering, or becoming involved at your house of worship. When new people attend or get involved, make them feel welcome and, in the process, you may make a new friend. Social engagement can have far-reaching mental benefits as you age – from preventing loneliness and depression to improving cognitive function. Interaction with others has even been associated with better physical health. Don’t let cliques stand in the way of your staying connected and engaged. For every group that shuts you out, there are countless more potential friends out there, just waiting to meet you! Related: Multigenerational friendships Read More Terri L. Jones Terri L. Jones has been writing educational and informative topics for the senior industry for over 10 years, and is a frequent and longtime contributor to Seniors Guide.