Lifestyle Stepkids Lack Grief Etiquette Skills 8/28/2023 | By Amy Dickinson A woman is hurt because her stepchildren lack grief etiquette skills – they have yet to acknowledge the loss of her mother. Should she share her feelings or let it slide? See what “Ask Amy” has to say. Dear Amy: I married my husband two years ago. He has two children from a previous marriage, both in their mid-20s. I have a teen still at home. We have a really nice time with his children. We regularly talk/check in with them, and I believe we have a good relationship. However, recently my mother died – after a sudden and torturous battle with cancer. My stepchildren have not expressed their condolences in any way, and both skipped the funeral. I then saw them two days later and they did not address it at all. My feelings are very hurt, but I’m not sure they should be. My mother used to say that young adulthood was her least favorite phase of life – people in their 20s are particularly self-involved. So this may just be the behavior of that age group, lacking grief etiquette skills and other social niceties. I haven’t shared my feelings with my husband because I don’t want him to feel bad. I suppose my real worry is that while we all get along, they do not want to be close. I do want to be close. I love them and want to nurture a relationship between us and between my own child and them. Should I bring this up? Or should I allow my feelings to subside (I’m sure they will), and allow time to tell? – Hurt and Confused Dear Hurt: Please, don’t question your own hurt feelings. Your feelings are yours, they are real, and you have every right to feel them! Your late-mother was onto something about people in their mid-20s. They are expected to assume mature behavior – because they are adults. But if they don’t know what to do in a given situation (expressing condolences, for instance), they tend to avoid it. But, as a reader recently pointed out in this space, we are overall a “grief illiterate” society, where we lack the cultural tools and traditions to express solidarity and comfort. You must talk to your husband about this. This disappointment is adding to your grief. He should advocate for you by essentially telling his children how important it is for them to express their condolences to you. They can say, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or even, “I know this is a hard time for you, but I don’t really know what to say.” An acknowledgment will help you to feel less lonely and invisible. You and your husband are still in the process of knitting your family together. Let him do his best to comfort you, now. In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from lack of grief etiquette to family favoritism and mom check-in expectations. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. © 2023 by Amy Dickinson Click here to read more Ask Amy columns curated for a baby boomer audience. Read More Amy Dickinson