Dividing Caregiving Duties

I’m hoping you might weigh in on a disagreement that’s sprung up.

My mother-in-law has some chronic health issues. His sister, “Jackie,” is single and is currently living with their mother. Jackie works from home and has a fairly flexible schedule.

My husband and I have two children. We both work long hours out of the house.

My husband and Jackie have struggled to find a reasonable balance of care for their mother. She doesn’t need daily care, but she does have frequent doctors’ appointments and doesn’t like to drive.

Jackie thinks that she and my husband should split the load 50/50.

My husband feels this would be equal, but not equitable. He has a lot of responsibilities at home with our children, in addition to a much more demanding work schedule than Jackie’s.

It’s also a lot easier for Jackie to step in since she lives there.

I think it’s hard for her to understand the demands of parenthood. She has become resentful, and unfortunately, their mother’s health isn’t likely to significantly improve.

I’m trying but struggling to see Jackie’s perspective as we struggle with dividing caregiving duties.

– M

Dear M: 

“Jackie” doesn’t understand the pressure of having two children at home, and you likely don’t understand the challenges of cohabiting and providing care for an elderly and chronically ill parent.

I’m not sure it is for you to decide what is “easier” for Jackie because she is living in the household. You should assume that she provides a lot of daily care that you don’t know about. You should also imagine what the situation would be like if Jackie became overwhelmed and decided to decamp.

One solution would be for your husband to hire a caregiver to help his mother one morning a week and on Saturdays.

This would give Jackie a break from the household, and would relieve both siblings from running errands and doing household chores so that they could spend more of their time with their mother in less of a caregiving role.

(You might also bring your mother-in-law to your house for lunch on some Sundays. Crazy as it might be in your household, a few hours spent with your family might be good for everyone.)

I agree that a family member should accompany her to doctors’ appointments, if possible; the siblings should take a look at the calendar a month in advance and do their best to share this responsibility.

In the tradition of the great personal advice columnists, Chicago Tribune’s Amy Dickinson is a plainspoken straight shooter who relates to readers of all ages. She answers personal questions by addressing issues from both her head and her heart. A solid reporter, Dickinson researches her topics to provide readers with informed opinions and answers – ranging from dividing caregiving duties to bossy friends and not-so-supportive partners. Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.